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October 17 Reflections on FearYeah, okay, I know I quit... I'm indecisive, okay...
Anyway, I wrote the following in the comment field of my friend Gelert's latest blog entry. It is in response to what both Gelert and Jorge have both recently written about. My comment (as it often is) was the size of a blog post, so I decided to post it here. ~ND
I really related to what you had to say here. I was very lucky because I had a mom and dad (my adopted mom and dad) who refuse to live in fear. Fear was not an emotion I knew during childhood, and I am so so thankful for it. We had a creek behind our house, at the end of our long backyard. Lighting had struck a huge tree down and as a result it created a natural bridge across the creek, with branches moving sideways up. The neighborhood boys across the street (who now one is a dentist in Boston and the other is a patent lawyer for proctor and gamble) built a multi-leveled treehouse in that tree and I ended up spending so much time in that tree house. My parents didn't even blink an eye when I decided to spend the night in that tree house with one of my female friends from down the street. They did not show fear, and so I lived so freely. We also had a swimming pool in our backyard and my parents were just so calm about it!!! Letting me, my brother, and all the neighborhood kids come over, run around on the pavement, do crazy dives off the diving board, do cartwheels into the pool... and you know what?! We all survived! With my perspective now, as an adult, I would have been an absolute nervous wreck! I also rode my bike all around the neighborhood starting at a very early age. There was a nice bike path that ran along the creek on either side of it. I would just take off, playing "anthropologist" in the trees by myself, playing pharmacist by making tinctures out of crushed leaves... who knows how much time I spent back there alone. And my parents never expressed any fear, and so I didn't know this emotion. I was completely free. We would take family vacations down to Sanibel Island, Florida, driving all the way down from Ohio, my brother and I sleeping in the back of the stationwagon. They started us downhill skiing in Michigan when I was five years old. So many risks, but no expressed fear...
Now, as an adult, I have become such a nervous wreck. I'm scared of riding in cars. I'm too afraid to walk out in the woods behind our house here in Germany without my dogs and husband (though it is not a particularly dangerous place -- no more than anywhere else), the list goes on.
My mom died in September of 2001, not long after the terrorist attacks. Her wish was to be cremated and have her ashes spread on the beach where we used to take our annual happy family vacations. It was a sacred, special place for her. To grant her wish meant for us to have to fly in a plane across the U.S. not long after the terrorist attacks. I was terrified. I thought we should wait. But my dad refused to live in fear. To not live in fear does not mean to not be aware of the risks in life. It is just to live your life to the fullest in spite of them. This is what I learned from my dad.
When I was 25 I met my biological mother. She quite obviously had obsessive-compulsive disorder (she told me this but she didn't have to -- you could see it), as well as a long long history of depression and anxiety. She still smoked her cigarrettes like a fiend. She was very very sweet and nice, she was very funny and quirky (finally someone understood my sense of humor!!!) and she laughed a lot. But she was also a nervous wreck. She wouldn't drive her car outside a certain radius of her home. One time, when she was driving me around Toledo to show me the house where she had been pregnant with me, I wanted to stop for a milkshake -- just go through the drivethrough -- at one of the fast food restaurants. She wouldn't stop, out of fear. I remember being stunned at this. This was not how I was raised. You know, as nice and funny and truly caring of a person that my biological mother is (and I am so glad I got the chance to meet her), I really think I would have had even more severe of a problem with anxiety and fear had I been raised by her. Because, as you demonstrated in your blog here, fear is often learned. I am so thankful fear was not a part of my childhood. I slowly learned to become a fearful person (um... I think a lot of the paranoia I experienced when I was stoned really showed me a new way of looking at the world -- a fearful way -- which would then carry over into my brain even when I was not stoned) during my teens and twenties and even thirties, and I have spent much effort getting back to that fearless state of childhood. Because fear can rob you of your life. A little fear can keep you from getting hurt, sure. But it hurts the most when it robs you of your life.
~Nicole October 01 I Think It's Time to Say GoodbyeYou know, I think I've reached the time when it's time for me to move on. Yes, I'm breaking up with you, All Things Nicole, but can we still be friends?
I guess I have been feeling it for a while now. I experimented a few times with setting my blog to private, but that just never seemed to work out, nor did it feel right. You know, I think it is simply time for me to move on.
Despite the fact that my blog has now had over 70,000 visitors (thanks for your support and interest, guys and gals!), I've been thinking about laying it to rest. I guess I just needed a place to process my life over the past few decades, since, I believe, I've gone through a lot and I've come a long way. This blog helped me clean out the dusty, dark corners that were still lurking around in my life, and it also gave me a space to practice being happy. But now I feel like I'm pretty much through it all and I am where I want to be.
I don't want to dwell forever. It's not healthy. I feel like I've "examined my issues" from my past, and it's time to face forward. Approach the next happy chapter of my life. In other words, I'm over it.
A special thank you to Jenni of "A Girl, A Dog, and a Second Chance" for being the number #1 inspiration that led me to start my blog here. I saw a little link on the MSN page during the week her blog was featured, I think it was about two years ago now. I clicked on it, and I was really moved by the way she was reaching out with her words and pictures, sharing her thoughts and life. I really related. Living out in the middle of nowhere here in a foreign country, no less, I really felt like I made a connection with this "Girl" who was living so many time zones away. I wrote to her, and we've been friends ever since. She's who inspired me to begin this blog. Thanks, Jenni!
I'd also like to sincerely thank all of my faithful readers, especially those of you who have taken the time to write me. I honestly and thoroughly have enjoyed and appreciated it, and don't worry, I'll still be popping by your spaces to say hi.
Thank you also, MSN, for creating this cyber space to allow us to have a voice, and for featuring me and my blog on the MSN home page as well as your "hall of fame" May of 2006. It was fun.
I sincerely hope that some of my words, some of the things I have been through that I've shared with you here, some of my "solutions" to some of my problems, I sincerely hope these things will reach and help another person. Sometimes it just helps to know you are not the only one. I know I had a lack of that during a lot of my life, and I think the more we speak out and demystify these things, the more we all feel like human beings, not freaks of nature. We've all got our issues. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others. I believe sharing our stories can help us see that we really aren't so lost, so different. We're all in the same boat. That's why I'm leaving this blog up. Not continuing with it, but leaving what I have already decided to share open. I hope I can help someone.
Rest In Peace, All Things Nicole. February 2006 - October 2007.
take care,
~Nicole
Peace: It's not just for hippies anymore. ~Nicole
"So Long, and thanks for all the fish." ~Douglas Adams
September 29 UntitledYeah, you guys should know by now I was an anst-ridden teenager. I've written about my undiagnosed depression, my pot-smoking days, my fights with my parents, etc., more times than you probably ever wanted to hear. Yes, to high school (1988-1992) I wore Doc Martens, stripped tights, thrift-store clothes, painted each of my fingernails all different colors, etc. early on. I was a huge fan of Sonic Youth, Dinosaur, Jr., and the like. The energy of that time really did feel like something was about to break. This "alternative culture" was gaining momentum. The snowball was gaining momentum as it came crashing down. I still remember the first time I saw the video "Smells Like Teen Spirit". I was a high school senior. That's when it hit. It was a strange time with a lot of energy, that year, and I feel like the kids who were different, who stood for something else, finally had a spokesman. I loved loved loved Nirvana. I watched every interview I could catch on MTV with Kurt Cobain. I still remember watching him trying to explain that he had this chronic stomach pain that no doctor could help him with and the only relief he got was through heroin. I just really felt he was a sincere (and sensitive) human being who cared about the world but was really pissed about the evils in this world. And his music was beautiful. I don't know why I'm using the past tense here. I still feel the same things. Granted, the past decade or so I haven't spent so much time listening to Nirvana, I mean, I never disliked them, I just was spending my time listening to other artists I admire. But for some reason, about a month ago, I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden I became interested again. I even ordered from Amazon Kurt Cobain's Journals that were published some time ago but I had never before read. I also admit I googled Frances Bean because I was curious about what she looked like and what she was up to these days. I didn't even know there was a new film, a documentary, coming out next month until I saw the advertisements on MySpace a few days ago. Apparently, it's a collection of previously unreleased interviews with Kurt Cobain. I really am interested in seeing it. I'm not 18 anymore... I'm 33 now, but I still am just as interested in learning more about this person. It looks like it's appearing only in select cities on specific dates across the U.S., so I hope it comes out in DVD one day so that I can view it. I'd really be interested to see it. http://www.kurtcobainaboutason.com/ http://www.myspace.com/kurtcobainaboutason But perhaps most importantly, I'm going to have to say, I really hope the investigation continues into the possible murder of Kurt Cobain and if certain people are guilty I hope they do not continue to go free, and I hope the truth about how Kurt Cobain really died can finally be determined. It's only fair. ~Nicole http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain  September 27 Counting the Days Till Bush is Out of OfficeLet's make this really clear. Yeah, my husband is an active duty Army officer and served as an Infantry platoon leader in the Iraq war, (I can't speak for my husband here, and when you are in the Army you really don't have any freedom of speech (you can not speak out against your "commander in Chief"), but let's just say our feelings are mutual on this one) I in no way support Bush or the war in Iraq, and never have. To make it really simple, I'm gonna state some of my basic positions on these issues.
1. I think Gee Dublya (G.W.) is among the worst presidents the United States has ever had, and I'm ashamed of and disgusted by him.
2. I think Gee Dublya uses FEAR tactics to control the people. He thrives on making us scared and worried, and when he convinces us we are not safe, it makes it easier for him to have unwielding power.
3. I still believe the war in Iraq is about nothing more than trying to secure U.S. capitalistic interests in the Middle East. If there were no oil there, there would be no war. Otherwise, we'd be at war with other countries around the world where genocide is a massive problem, as it is in Africa. I don't think Bush could care less about such humanitarian offenses. Those types of problems (I believe he thinks) are for those wishy-washy bleeding heart leftists!
4. The war in Iraq MAKES ME SICK. Such a waste of human life. Just think of how much better this world could have been right now had we used all of this money and effort towards taking care of people, animals, the environment, instead of destroying it. Unforgivable.
5. If some other country's army invaded the U.S., dropped bombs all over the country, and made a military presense there, and civilians were dying because of it... what do you think Bush or anyone in the US would do about it?! They wouldn't stand for it one single day! They'd use any and all tactics or resources they had to get them the %&#! out! It's just that Bush and his (rapidly dwindling) posse are so %$#&ing ethnocentric they can't see things from anyone's perspective but their own. I think Bush believes his way is right, and everybody else is wrong (and evil!).
6. I'm so sick of the US being the world's policeman. Why can't we just stay the %&*# out of everybody else's business?! America has enough of it's own problems (even more since Bush has been in office)! I honestly believe that the US's practice of getting into everybody else's problems is what actually creates more enemies and actually makes things like terrorism more of a threat. I mean, why don't countries like Norway or Canada have the problems with terrorism that we do? And don't tell me it's because they are not "rich" like the U.S. The U.S. has been losing ground on that front very rapidly since Bush has been in office. The American dollar has been so weak for the past several years that I can't afford to buy hardly anything on the European economy! It's because these other countries mind their own %&*$ing business!
7. Yeah, I do think that terrorism is scary and a real problem. I really do. But I think the way Bush goes about dealing with these serious issues both makes the problem worse and is what keeps people hating Americans.
There. Did I spell that out clear enough?!
~Nicole
I know I'm not the only one counting the days. http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,507662,00.html
And here's another good article from Der Spiegel. I have to agree with Hersh when he says Bush really believes he is doing God's work. http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,508394,00.html September 26 More Updates than you could ever wish for (or even want)...Part I
I still am not positive I am pregnant, and it is still technically too early for me to test. Because this is my public blog and I really don't need complete strangers knowing too much about my biology, I'm leaving out the gritty explanation for why I need to wait so long to test, so just take my word for it. However, I have still been experiencing a lot of early pregnancy symptoms. For the past 10 days, I have been experiencing nausea and vomiting, ---censored pregnancy symptom #1---, ---censored pregnancy symptom #2---, increased tiredness, more headaches (yes, they have returned), and, all I seem to want to eat is chocolate ice cream!!! However, ---censored reasons here---, I still may have to wait 18 days before I can take a pregnancy test that will give me an accurate response.
In the states, the soonest you are recommended to take a home pregnancy test is four days before your expected period, and even at four days before, the accuracy is only 50%, and increases steadily as the days continue. However, a German woman yesterday told me that there is a German test that you can buy at the German pharmacies that can detect pregnancy as early as 10 days after conception. I was kind of confused as to why a German test would be able to detect pregnancy so much earlier than anything released in the States. But, I bought the test and took it this morning (which would have been about the 11th day or so). I got a negative result. Victor and I were both very very sad, especially because Victor and I had been very excited about the prospect of me being pregnant. In fact, I shortly afterwards fell asleep for the next several hours, probably as my way to at least temporarily escape reality. When I woke back up, I was still very sad, but then I began doing some internet research, which led to believe that it may just have been too early to test. Every article I read seemed to say that you really can not begin to get an accurate reading until about the day of your next expected period. So I think I just have to wait, perhaps up to 18 more days! I will admit I am very worried about pregnancy loss and miscarriage. In my last entry, I really think all of that "positive talk" was directed more at myself than anybody else. The truth is I am trying to do everything in my power to avoid anything that can lead to miscarriage, but from what I read, much of it is simply natural and one can not do anything to prevent this. What's worse, is that since I am 33 years old, loss of pregnancy is more of a risk than for a woman still in her 20s, statistically speaking. I am trying to focus on the positives, but in reality this scares me very much, and I can't help but worry about it. I think I need to ban myself from reading any more articles on miscarriage/pregnancy loss, because it really is not helping anything. Despite my previous entry about "positive talk", I am beginning to obsess about things that could go wrong, and I know it's not healthy. I need to take my own advice. Part 2
I finished my naturopathic anti-migraine treatment as prescribed by Nick Dale of Beating Headaches and Migraines about, oh, I don't know, I guess about two weeks ago or so. Near the end of my four week program of dietary changes and special supplements (discussed at length in previous blog entries) I filled out a questionaire in order for Nick Dale to assess my progress and decide upon the next steps. He and I both came to the conclusion that while I had made tremendous progress as a result of the program, there was still room for improvement for me. While my headaches and migraines had drastically reduced in both frequency and severity, I was still getting some, and while my energy levels had increased significantly, there was still room for improvement. So, he prescribed and I ordered another combination of supplements (different from my original program since my body was now different) that I am actually still waiting to arrive from Australia. Well, now that I suspect pregnancy, I also suspected I should now postpone this program, as detoxification, certain herbs, and other supplements that may be beneficial for a healthy adult could actually have detrimental consequences during pregnancy. I wrote him and he agreed to hold off on the program. I'll admit, I was looking forward to feeling even better as I know I would have as a result of part II of my program, but right now I'd be happy to have to postpone it due to pregnancy!
As for staying healthy, I really am doing my best! As you may remember, in addition to taking many different forms of supplements, I also went through some major lifestyle changes (mainly reworking my diet) as part of my naturopathic anti-migraine plan. I am doing a very good job of keeping these new habits up, including drinking more clear water, cutting back on caffeine, eating breakfast (healthy cereals, fruit, peanut butter, etc.), cutting out a lot of preservatives, cutting back on canned and prepared foods, avoiding hydrogenated fats, eating more fresh vegetables and foods, and not taking my preventative migraine medications anymore. So, I'm doing the best I can in staying healthy!
Part III
I was offered but turned down the job working with Special Ed preschoolers that I interviewed for this past Friday. While I love working with special ed kids, and I definitely could use the extra money (actually, can it be considered "extra" when you are in debt?!), I KNOW this job would also bring me extra stress and exhaustion. When I finally came to the decision to not take the job, even Victor told me he knew this was the best decision for me but was going to support me either way. I just know myself and I know that i get stressed out and exhausted easily. Like I said in my reasons for leaving the job at the high school, I have been working very hard for years to make myself stronger, less stressed, and more positive, but I need to take very good care of myself. Being in an entire room full of special ed 3 and 4 year olds who still throw tantrums, still need their diapers changed (yes, even the principal told me these things during the interview) would most likely put me back where I was in terms of exhaustion, stress, and perhaps may even bring my migraines back. I think I knew this all along, which is why I really wasn't even planning on working this year. The fact that these jobs practically kept falling in my lap without me even actively looking for them just made them difficult to turn down. I mean, where were these opportunities during all the years I was actually looking for them?! But I need to focus on different things in my life right now, namely my own health and well-being. Furthermore, if I am trying to get pregnant (or if i already am!), i really need to create optimum conditions for my body. As I read more about it, pregnancy itself is a full time job, being physically exhausting at many times and it is very important to keep yourself healthy and well-rested during this time. Part IV
I KNOW I'm a freak for sharing so many details of my life with people when they don't even ask for them. So what's your point?! I don't know why I do this -- I just do! So deal with it! I know I'm a weirdo!!!
Part V
I got my hair cut fairly short yesterday. I like it, and so does Victor. Pictures to come soon.
Part VI
I also did something very rare yesterday... I cooked! (Yes, I know, I was as shocked as you are. It shocked Victor as well.) A few days ago I opened my recipe box (a very rare event) looking for my good friend Sandra's awesome homemade pesto recipe. I've been growing fresh basil on my windowsill and if I didn't do something with it soon, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it fresh. Anyway, Victor ended up making the pesto (big surprise!), but another recipe had caught my eye. I must have cut it from a box of Celestial Seasonings' Chamomile Tea, who knows how many years ago. The recipe was for Chamomile Cauliflower Soup, and for some reason it just sounded good (perhaps another sign I may be pregnant?!). So I picked up the ingredients and actually made it! And, it was really good! Victor liked it too!
Here is a link to the recipe: http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/recipes/c-cauliflowersoup.html
Try it! It's good!
Part VII
I had a very bizarre week all last week, and I've been meaning to blog about it. On one day, I had to call for a tow-truck for Victor who was stranded on the Autobahn. On another day I had to call for an ambulance for a motorcycle accident that happened right in front of my house (and which I witnessed -- very disturbing). On the next day, I almost had to call the Poleizi (the German police) for a very intense fight between two men on the road, but the Poleizi beat me to it and appeared on the scene. Later that day, I had to track down my landlord because a water pipe below our driveway had burst and tons of water was bubbling up through the ground. This resulted in a major crew coming and doing major work in our driveway. Yes, this was all in one week. No, I would not like to repeat it! I think the main reason I have not written it all out is because I don't want to relive it (especially witnessing the motorcycle accident), so details on these stories may not follow.
Part VIII
Well, neither Victor nor I had any real desire to go to Oktoberfest this year... we've gone for the past two years, but we've been to so many German fests by now that I think the novelty is wearing off. I know, we're party poopers. Besides, I'm trying to not eat junk food, the rides, which I used to thrive on when I was younger, are simply starting to make me feel sick in my "older" years, and I don't drink beer anyways. Plus, we are trying to save money.
However, I did enjoy checking these photos of this year's Oktoberfest (which began last weekend) put together by the popular German magazine Der Spiegel's English internet site. Maybe you'll enjoy them too! http://www.spiegel.de/fotostrecke/0,5538,25027,00.html
I also have a lot of updates that have to do with Victor -- the progress with his '79 Corvette, his status with his job search (and thus where we will be a month from now), his aquarium, and more, but I've been typing for a long time now and you're probably just as tired as I am by now. So Victor updates will have to come at a later time.
So, there you have it. More than you ever wanted to know about my life right now.
Later!
~Nicole September 21 A Few Quick UpdatesI only have a few minutes here to fill you in on some new developments in the life of Nicole... because I have to get ready for my JOB INTERVIEW!
What's that, you say, Nicole?!?!
Yes, that's right, the Elementary School (on the base closer to my house -- not the one where I worked last year) called me this morning (woke me up, actually) and asked me if I would come in for an interview for the Special Ed Aide position... once again, I was completely thrown off guard (I swear I am not actively applying or looking for these positions! Every time I am called for an interview I am completely thrown off guard!) but I said, Sure! The thing is, I really do love working with Special Ed kids and I do feel like I'm good for the position, it's just that that last position at the high school just did NOT work out for the reasons I have mentioned already. However, although I still know it was the right decision for me in those circumstances, I really do miss the kids and would have enjoyed the opportunity to help. A part of me has been very sad the position didn't work out, and now I've been handed yet another fresh new opportunity! Plus, although it's not big-time money in the least, any extra cash right now would sure be helpful because of the next exciting development in my life...
I'm pretty darn sure I'm pregnant! It's way too early to know for sure (if I am pregnant, I'm only about a week along) but I have so many early pregnancy symptoms. I'm not going to go into detail here for the benefit of both you and me, but let me just say, I've done my research and all of my early signs are matching up! I actually started having symptoms as early as the 3rd or 4th day! The funny thing is, I bought boxes of ovulation tests to help me know when a good time to conceive, and I was planning on beginning to use them next week. I may not even have to open them this time around... we'll see...
I know you might warn me not to get too excited about being pregnant since I'm not even sure yet, and a big part of me has been telling myself the same thing, but i figured I can either keep focusing on the possibility of not being pregnant, of not being able to become pregnant, of having a miscarriage, or all of the other bad things that could happen, or I could just go for it, be a bit vulnerable and let my guard down, and have fun with the very real possibility! Besides, things could go very well, you know?! I think the second option is much more healthy!!! Why always prepare for the worst when it might not even happen, you know?! It robs me of my life! If something bad happens, I'll deal with it then, you know. Why wasting precious good moments worrying about what could go wrong. Things can always go wrong, but they can also go right, you know?!
Well, to get prepared, i went over to oldnavy.com and gap.com and they were still having their maternity and baby sale, so I figured, now's a good time to stock up on the basics! I even bought a bunch of newborn "onesies" that were on sale. Might as well get prepared!!! Okay, there are some more updates but I've got to go right now and get ready for that interview! My life is so unpredictable and full of surprises these days!
take care and drop me a line and let me know what you've been up to, ~Possibly pregnant, possibly employed again,
~Nicole September 16 an afternoon with friendsSo when my dad and Linda were here, I lost a whole day's worth of photos because that new "refurbished" (or so they say) camera that I had just bought turned every single shot (except for close-ups) blurry (even when I used auto focus). Yes, I was really pissed because I can't get that day back, you know? I have since sent the camera back and am still waiting on my refund from Kodak (they better give me a refund). While I know that it's obviously not going to be the same, I have been wanting to at least go back to the two towns, Vilseck and Koenigstein, that we took Dad and Linda to that day and reshoot a bunch of the pictures (obviously without them in it) so that I can put together a nice photo album and they can at least have some memories of what the towns looked like. I have been waiting for a sunny day, since it was sunny the day we took them, and this weekend was the first chance I got.
I called up fellow blogger Cassie (you may remember I met Cassie through my blog before she even moved to Vilseck -- I believe she did a search to find out about the area where she and her family would soon be living and came across my blog) to see if she and her two boys (her husband is in Iraq right now) would like to come along with me and Victor. Granted, tagging along with me while I take a bunch of photos is probably not the most exciting thing in the world, but I figured we could find a place to eat outside and just have a nice afternoon chilling out. I have only been meaning to call her up for ages now...
And we did. We had a lot of fun. Cassie's so sweet and her boys crack me up. Thanks for tagging along with us! Can't wait to see you guys again!
Here are a few shots from the day.
~Nicole September 14 Letter of ResignationFrom: Domini, Nicole
Sent: Thu 9/13/2007 3:31 PM To: ********** Subject: FW: quitting my job
Since you asked for constructive criticism and reasons why I am leaving, here is a copy of the reasons I stated on my resignation form today. ~ND Hi K****,
I wanted to write you to let you know I am quitting my job here as aide to Special Education Students (effective 14 September 2007, 12:20p.m.). I absolutely love and adore the students, but I can not work with Ms. A*********. My job is to back up her teaching but I can not do this. She is not respected by the students, she lets the students walk all over her and run the classroom, she talks to the students like they are babies, she is a very confusing teacher, etc. I can not give support to someone like this. I am also assigned to support the Read 180 class, but this class is equally disorganized. I am sorry but I can not work like this.
Thank you,
Nicole Domini
I ended up quitting my job during lunch time yesterday. I couldn't take the main Special Ed teacher I worked under any longer -- believe me, she drove me to it. I didn't think it could get much worse than the Special Ed teacher I worked with last year but it certainly did. The reason I held on as long as I did was because I already feel like I've formed a bond with the students and I really do care about them and want to work with them. However, I was given ZERO creative freedom in this job. See, I want to work with students but I need to be able to be myself, be creative, and treat the students like the intelligent, real people they are, people who deserve respect. But in this new job I was pushed into a very narrow role in which I was practically forced to control them, monitor them like they were babies, and not let them express themselves. I will not become part of the machine. I only enjoy working in schools with students when I can give aid to the students who need it by helping them bring out who they really are, by focusing on their strenghs. I can not become part of the education machine that treats school like a factory and is interested in spitting out generic non-creative, lifeless kids. I can not become a teacher who sucks out the life force, the creativity, the spark of energy that is within these kids. And that is the narrow role I was pushed into in both of the classes I was assigned to, from both of the teachers I was suppossed to support. I was more on the side of the students than the teachers. It reminded me of scenes from Pink Floyd The Wall. I wanted to turn to the teachers and say, "Hey, Teacher! Leave them kids alone!". But I bit my tongue and instead walked to the office and resigned. And want to know something funny?! Rather than the secretary and principal being upset with me, they shook their head, agreed with me (what I stated you can find below), even said, "Yes, I can understand this" and offered me the Special Ed Aide position with the other main Special Ed teacher. They told me I was "good" and they were still interested in me working at their school. How funny is that?! But I told them this would be very awkward, as the two Special Ed teachers work together a lot. However, they wouldn't let me turn in my key and ID card! When I was giving them the idea that I really wasn't interested, the principal and secretary asked me to at least think about it for 24 hours before I made my decision. Little did they know I was a milimeter away from quitting on Tuesday because I could not take it any longer, and I actually hung in there an extra day and a half (I really like the kids!) but the Special Ed teacher practically drove me to it. I couldn't take it any longer!
The thing is, I really wasn't planning on working this year. I hadn't even applied for this job -- as you recall the principal called me up on the telephone one day and asked if I would come in for an interview and I was completely caught off-guard because I hadn't actively applied for the job. I believe a part of myself accepted the job because he practically handed me this position on a plate, making it really hard to refuse (except that the pay is really crappy -- if I would have worked the entire school year, which is 7.5 hours per day, I only would have made $20,000 which, for the amount of energy it takes to work with Special Ed students and do a good job with it is just plain unjustified ROBBERY).
But the thing is, I'm not a person with unlimited energy. I don't just wake up everyday happy and full of energy. As you know, keeping a calm mind and a happy disposition is something that I personally have to work on every single day. I have been struggling with it for YEARS and I have made SLOW but STEADY progress. Some of the reasons However, when I tax myself and start adding stress into my life, I fall apart QUICKLY. My energy and happiness is held together by a tenuous string, which unravels when too much pressure is placed upon it. Being happy and stable are not part of my inherited package -- they are things I have put years into working hard to achieve, and continue to work for every single day. I do not take them for granted. And I also know that I can not take on everything. I know my limits. Sometimes I feel pressure in my life (whether they intend to pressure me or not) from people who have certain expectations from me, for example, when they feel I should be working. I hear this in the form of easy, harmless, well-intentioned questions they ask me, casually, "Where are you going to be working, Nicole?" "What are you doing with your time?" "Have you been looking for a job?" These well-intentioned people care about me and want nothing but for me to be happy, but since I have limits that I know I have but don't like people who care about me to see, I end up interpreting this as pressure and stress. I start to feel like I am only valuable if I begin looking for a job and working, even when I don't think I can emotionally afford to do so.
Luckily, Victor, my supportive terrific husband, truly understands this about me and supports me 100%. He only thinks I should work if it brings me happiness, not maddness. And he reminds me that we are fortunate enough that it is not financially necessary for me to work (not like my paycheck really made a significant difference. I honestly think the high school kids who work on tips as baggers at the Commissary make more than me -- education workers' salaries in America are a true disgrace and something NEEDS to be done about this). As my friend Cassie said to me yesterday (thanks, Cassie!), "No amount of money is worth being miserable for."
I'm going to include a photo taken just a few days ago after a stressful day at school. I'll include a photo of me taken in the morning when I first began and a few of what I looked like after just a few days at the school so you can see my rapid deterioration. It's not pretty, but I want to show you what stress does to me. When I asked Victor to take this photo, I was feeling like I had been run over by a truck. I felt empty. I felt like any happiness I have worked so hard on cultivating in my brain had been sucked out of me. I did not feel one bit of happiness left inside of me. I felt like I had been trampled on. Not even visible on the photo are the tears from my eyes that had been falling down my cheeks. Not visible on the photo is the anguish inside my head.
Now, with all that I have been doing to positively affect my health -- my new natural anti-migraine program with supplements and a healthier diet, the 11 years of daily yoga I do to calm myself, the journalling I do to help me process my thoughts, etc. -- I can not afford to let all of this hard work go down the drain. I am not a super human. I can not withstand everything. I have limits. I break.
In order for me to continue being happy, calm, strong, and be someone who has something to offer to other people, I need to respect my limits and know when enough is enough. If I were super human, or maybe even an average person who was born with decent brain chemistry, not someone whose biological mother was an alcoholic teenager who admitted to me that she drank and smoke during her pregnancy with me and possibly even did speed, a biological mother who has a lifelong problem with anxiety and depression and even struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, then maybe I could take on everything. Maybe a beer after work and a nice jog would be enough to keep my stress and happiness under control. But I am not this lucky. I have always felt the need to hide these facts about myself from the other people in my life who I perceive to be near-perfect and fault-free, but it has just added to my stress and I end up feeling like I can not live up to their expectations and so I end up taking on more than I can handle and digging myself into a deeper hole.
My dad (who I love dearly) said something to me while he was here in Germany that really and truly means so much to me. He told me that he was already proud of who I have become, that he respects me as an adult, that he doesn't feel the need to continue to "parent" me and mold and shape me. I know that I should know this; I mean, I am 33 years old, but the truth is I did not. I honestly did not. I still feel I need to be his perfect, successful, strong daughter and try to make him proud of me. I didn't know I had already done that. I cried hard when I realized that I had. It was like I could relax and be myself and stop trying to work so hard to be the person I perceived that he wanted me to be (he probably never wanted for me to be perfect and without fault -- this was just my perception). You do not know what a relief it was to hear this.
So, while I certainly am sad that I won't be able to work with these truly special kids, I know that quitting was the right option for me. I couldn't work in this capacity. I really truly enjoyed working with every single one of them. I'm going to have to find a way that I can express my talents and strengths that I do have in this area and find a niche where I can work with them. But it's not the Institution of School. The institution of school in America, at least in many public schools, is still based on the idea that kids need to be controlled, and the focus is not on using their creative, individual brains -- the focus is on having them sit down in rows and be quiet and memorize what the teacher says, and certainly do not challenge her if you have another (possibly better) way of doing things. I could tell you a story about one situation the Special Ed teacher created between her and one of the students that illustrated this so well. It was so riduculous and in my mind I 100% sided with the student, not the teacher, but my job is to support the teacher and so I was trapped. This was one of the situations that led me to know something had to give. I can not become her mindless marionette, and that was all the string I was given. I'll share this story with you one day (while leaving the names confidential, of course).
And here is a major secret I haven't yet told anyone in my family yet but I might as well now: Victor and I have been planning on trying to become pregnant and have two kids. We have actually been planning this for at least 10 months now and we are ready to start this process very very soon. (I know, I know! I am eating my words! I always said I didn't want kids for years and years and everyone told me, "you will change your mind and you will know when you are ready" but I told them "No, No, No!" and now I am embarrassed to say that they were right. I guess my biological clock finally kicked in (I must have hit the snooze alarm as many times on that clock as I do my regular alarm clock) and I'm really excited about this new process. And that's what I want to be focusing my energy and strength on now. I do not have unlimited energy, strength, and happiness, and I honestly need to focus what I do have on the things most important to my life.
Thank you for listening and understanding.
Sincerely,
Nicole September 08 Nicole's News of the WeirdMy brother-in-law got married last week in Las Vegas by an Elvis Impersonator, not to the woman he had been engaged to earlier this year, but to a collegue, a female Army Captain (who has spent far more time in Iraq than he has) he had been dating just a few weeks before they both got out of the army and left Germany. I'm pretty sure they skipped the engagement process and went straight for the wedding. He begins his new job soon outside of New York City (not too far from where his former fiance who we all visited in January still lives) soon and he and his new wife will be moving into their new place soon. I am waiting for him to send photos. His parents and brother (Victor) only learned about this last night via phone call, a week after the fact. Just reporting the facts here... Here is part of a message I sent to him: You guys are goofballs but I'm glad you found happiness. I sure hope your parents didn't have their hearts set on a traditional wedding with gowns and tiered cakes, because neither you guys or Victor and I with our quick courtroom wedding gave them this! Um, Okay... Copy of my comment to Erin Vincent, author of Grief Girl, on her recent myspace blog entry Hi! Thank you so much for sharing this! I definitely want to check out this book. I am hardly a reader (I have been diagnosed with both dyslexia and AD/HD and whether or not those are really the problem, the truth is, I have had a lifetime struggle with reading. I have read 8 books in the past 4 years, and this is actually an improvement) but the few books I seem to be able to follow are memoirs. I love stories about real people who have overcome depression and other real life hardships, most likely because I relate to them. I loved Elizabeth Wurzel's Prozac Nation and More, Now, Again. I am now excited to read Grief Girl and this will probably be my 9th book in the past 4+ years!
While I don't read much, I do write a lot -- I mean, I'm not a published writer or anything like that; basically I just like to write on my blog. It helps me process things. I had recently put my blog on private settings because sometimes I feel weird not knowing who knows all about my life, but after reading this blog post of both of yours, I immediately switched the settings back to public. It's worth the risk. I just feel that I need to share both what I have been through and how I made it through to the "other side". I know I have already helped people because the write to me and thank me.
I too have a parent dead -- my mommy, the mommy that adopted me and dedicated her life to me and my brother, but the one I treated so so terribly throughout my teenage years and my 20s because of undiagnosed problems with depression and other problems, the mom who died of cancer just when I was coming around to be her friend again and wanting to love again. She died right at that point and I still today blame myself for her death -- I know I was destructive to her health. I was a hateful creature and I put her through hell.
While I'm sure I don't "win any awards" for having the hardest life, I certainly have seen my fair share of struggle (the death of my mom just one story in the matrix of problems I struggled with), and I have taken a long and dedicated journey (including over a decade of daily yoga, visits with counselors and antidepressant medication) that has consistently pulled me out of this hatred and darkness and unhappiness and into a place where I can be positive and enjoy life. It has been a long process, one that I still work on every single day. (For example, I have currently been working on a naturopathic way to conquer the chronic, debilitating migraines that have plagued me, by taking better care of my body, with the guidance of an experienced naturopath.)
Thanks, you two, for sharing this. You make a great couple. I'm so happy Erin was able to work through her depression and find the joys of life. Thanks for sharing -- I relate so much. If you are ever interested in checking me out, my main blog is at http://allthingsnicole.spaces.live.com which is accessible to the public again, now, after reading this blog entry from you two.
Thanks so much for hearing me out. I look forward to reading your book (though I understand it will be an emotional and sad one).
Take care!
Nicole Their original blog entry on myspace can be found here: http://collect.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=90837708&blogID=294168408&Mytoken=2A1FF584-E49B-4071-A23FFE33D25D449F15056828&Mytoken=2A1FF584-E49B-4071-A23FFE33D25D449F15056828 September 06 The Public/Private Debate and other updatesSorry to confuse you guys, but I decided to make my blog private again. Therefore, if you are reading this right now you are either on my friends list, have been granted permission, or are a good hacker. My reason now is actually different than before. Now that I am working at the high school I feel like I need to be more private about what I share about myself on the internet. I already know for sure that at least one student and one person in the Special Ed Department know about my blog. I totally trust these people but I just can't risk more students and faculty finding out. I need to guard my personal life and thoughts a little more because of my professional role as a mentor right now, you know? I just can't have students knowing too much about me, and I certainly don't want to be the subject of any gossip, or to jeopardize my job. Comprendes? And so, for at least this school year, i have my blog set on private again. Truthfully, while I love sharing my
It still surprises and confuses me when I receive requests from people to view my space and yet they have not shared with me one bit of information about themselves nor why they would like to read. I just get a generic question asking for access and they have not one thing posted on their blog. How am I suppossed to grant decide whether to grant permission or not? I don't understand this. Therefore, I send the following message back to them before I decide:
Hi there. You have asked permission to view my space but I don't know anything about you. please tell me something about yourself and/or why you would like to view my space so that I can make a fair decision. I love that people enjoy my space but I have decided to be a bit more protective about who reads it. Thanks for understanding, ~Nicole
I think this is fair. I just can't continue sharing everything about myself to anyone and everyone. In a perfect world i could trust anybody. Unfortunately, this isn't a perfect world.
*****
Yesterday was my first day at my new job (see previous entry). While of course I plan to keep the specifics of my work confidential, as I did at the elementary school, I just want to share a few quick general reactions to my first day: The students seem really sweet. Most of the kids seem to either be into hip hop/rap (or that style of "slow rap" that they all talk about that I hadn't heard of before, and I forgot the name), video games, wrestling, and/or skateboarding. They seem like really sweet kids. For some reason, kids who struggle a bit just have my heart. I just feel like I have this spot in my heart for them. I think on some level I sympathize with and relate to them. It's so funny to be in a high school environment again, especially being on the other side of things. I haven't really been in a high school since I was in high school. There's such energy to it. The kids are in such an interesting time of life. I think my job's going to be a challenge but I think I'm going to like it! ***** Here's a copy of my most recent letter to Nick Dale, the naturopath who is helping me with my natural migraine relief program: Hello, OBSERVATIONS REGARDING NICOLE:
1) Huge increase in her level of energy 2) Rarely takes naps (something she used to do at least once a day) 3) Seems to get more done during the day (both in terms of leisure and work activities) 4) More regular sleep hours (She actually goes to sleep at a reasonable time and wakes up at an equally reasonable time) 5) Noticeable change in her overall happiness and mood 6) Substantial decrease in rate of occurrence and intensity of migraines Thanks for stopping by, my blogging friends! Here are a few photos from this past week.
~Nicole September 04 I Start My New Job TomorrowAbout a week and a half ago, on a Friday, I was sort of panicking about how much more cleaning and organizing I had to do around the house before Dad and Linda got here when the phone rang. It was the principal of the high school for children of American military on post nearby. He asked me if I wanted to come in that afternoon for a job interview for the Special Education Aide.
Um, what?! I didn't know I applied.
Luckily, I didn't say that, but that sure was what I was thinking! I honestly did not knowingly apply for this position. To bring you up to speed, you may remember that I worked last school year at the Elementary School on post as Special Education aide, but I voluntarily gave that job up at the end of the school year because Victor and I had been planning on moving back to the states in the fall.
Yeah, News Flash: We're 90% sure right now that we're going to be staying right here in Germany for at least another three years! More on that later...
So yeah, at the end of the school year, I voluntarily [read: stupidly] gave up my job there, even though I loved the kiddos and the principal told me I did "just wonderful". I told them I could sub in the fall until we moved. We really believed we'd be moving, as you remember.
So when the phone rang and this principal of the high school was calling my house and specifically asking me if I could come in for an interview, especially when I never applied (to my knowledge) for this job, I was taken aback.
"Well... uh.... we aren't even sure yet that we are staying here..."
I put off my cleaning projects till even later, and I went in to the interview. Here's how the interview basically went:
"Nicole, so tell me about yourself."
"Well, I have degrees in blah blah this and blah blah that and I have worked blah blah here and blah blah there..."
After about five minutes of me talking about my education and work history, the principal said, "Well, I would like to offer you the job."
Stunned look on my face as I was about to accept a job for which I not long before didn't even know I was being considered.
I must have looked puzzled because the principal then said, "You come here with great recommendations. The principal at the elementary school said that if I have a chance to hire you, to hire you."
How do you like that?!
I start tomorrow. Here we go...
~Nicole
Nicole eats a wafer in Karlovy Vary, Czech RepublicHere's a movie Victor took just two days ago of me eating one of the traditional wafers in Karlovy Vary, Czech Republic. It's a real winner of a movie so I just had to publish it here. ~Nicole September 03 Well, I'm Back...Well, after a few days of going private, I decided to come back and make my blog public again. Hey, what the hell. I had so many requests to view my space in my inbox today -- I'm really quite flattered that you guys really want to read about my life. I'll tell you why I made it private: I don't want to sever the relationships in my family, but I also don't want to censor myself here. You know, i really don't mind strangers reading, but if someone in my family (by the way, I have asked them all not to read my blog and I simply trust them not to, but that doesn't mean they can't secretly be reading) read something and was hurt by my private feelings, then I'd really regret writing it. I mean, if I were a perfect angel I'd have nothing but kind and loving thoughts about everyone and never have to vent... and hey, that's a great goal for me to work on, really it is... but I'm just not perfect yet and sometimes i need to vent. It helps to get it out of my system, somewhere, and journalling for me has always helped, but like I said, I've never posted my journal so open and out on the internet for anyone to read before. Why do I do this? Well, I must have my reasons, because after just a few days of going private, I just feel that I need to go public again. I know, I'm a weirdo.
But maybe it's because I don't have this perfect life and I haven't always had things easy that I feel I should blog openly here. I've come a long way in my life, and I still have a lot of obstacles to clear, and I guess I hope that by truly being honest even when it comes to exposing not necessarily the prettiest things about myself that maybe I can actually help people through my blog.
I grew up in the suburbs, in the 70s, 80s, and early 90s. In the suburbs, especially back then, people only show their best sides to the world. Granted, it later comes out that teenagers are overdosing on heroin and hanging themselves upstairs while their parents are throwing glamorous pretentious parties downstairs in the most beautiful Victorian homes in our suburb (both of these are true stories), but so much trouble goes to presenting society with this facade of a perfect life. When you are younger and don't realize that it's a facade, that everybody has problems, this really does a number on you. I mean, I truly grew up feeling so pressured to be perfect, and when I knew I wasn't, I felt like a freak, and I just had to put so much effort into hiding my real self. i never felt good enough, i never felt worthy. I always have this feeling of needing to hide my secret: I'm not perfect.
I think in this past decade or so people, even in suburbia, have been more willing to let their guards down a little and show that they aren't perfect. It's a little more acceptable to let people know we might need a little help, that we aren't all Donna Reeds. These sometimes subtle shifts have definitely helped release a lot of my anxiety. You can compare it to opening elite fashion magazines and looking at these perfect women. If you believe the facade they try to pull off -- that these are beautiful and perfect slender supermodels with nothing but glamorous lives -- you can't help but feel super inferior. But when you learn that these are real women -- granted, prettier than most -- who have been airbrushed, who have eating disorders to stay so thin, who have problems with cocaine -- you don't feel so inferior. Exposing the truth can be liberating. it helps us understand that we are all human, and we all struggle.
If, on my blog here, I were to only post photos of all of my little vacations to quaint European cities and only told the stories about how much fun i have and great things I get to experience, you would probably be jealous of me. You would come to the conclusion that i have this whimsical, incredible, easy life. But by also sharing stories about how i still carry around so much sadness and guilt from my mom's death; by sharing my feelings of loss and emptiness due to the fact that my biological father still doesn't know I exist, that I don't even know if he's alive, that i have never have even seen a single photograph of him; by sharing the details of my intense pain (at least until recently!) that plagues me from my chronic and debilitating migraines; by exposing my not-so-pretty details of my past; by admitting I need to take antidepressant medications every single day (something I still have not been able to admit to anyone in my family other than Victor); by admitting all of these things in a non-censored way, I show people that I am human, I am far from perfect, and despite the true gifts I do have in life, like having a wonderful husband and pets, like having these incredible travel opportunities, I honestly don't always have it that easy and I still struggle a lot. I think this is such a more healthy way of sharing my life, rather than just showing you the "glamorous" sides. It would be a half-truth. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't help.
And so, I've decided to come back, vulnerable and public. For some reason I just feel that it's right.
But I will ask you guys one favor: Please feel free to comment. Okay, I'm not saying you need to be mean, but I know a lot more people read here than comment. Practically no one I know in "real life" has access to my blog; I have asked my close friends and family not to read. But please feel free to say hi. Let me know something about you, or why you read, or what you get from my blog, because otherwise I just feel like this process is so one-sided. I feel like I'm talking to myself.
So, like i've said, there's really been a lot going on in my life right now. I had my dad and Linda visit us out here for the first time ever this past week, I got a brand new job, there are updates on our moving status (that will surprise you), I had to return my new (refurbished) camera (turned out those blurry photos weren't my fault or temporary), I've gone on a ton of day trips to cool places in these past two weeks or so, I've made incredible progress with my natural migraine program, I have tons of new photos to post... so maybe i'll get around to catching up or maybe i'll just pick up my blog from here. I think i was starting to put pressure on my own self that I just had to blog about everything in my life, and once again, I was feeling undue pressure. That's ridiculous. I blog because it's fun. i knew something was wrong when I started feeling stressed that I was getting behind. This is my hobby. This is not an obligation. So I took off a few days and gained some perspective. But i do know that without my blog, without having this amazing opportunity to share my life and possibly help others, that I missed it. i really missed it. So I'm back. But maybe even in an even more "relaxed" way. More than anything, I blog for myself. Truthfully, the fact that others enjoy this or benefit from it is secondary to me. When it comes down to it, this blog is for me.
~Nicole August 30 I Can't Keep Up With My Life Right NowI have way too much going on now and I just can't blog about it all -- too much going on. The Nurnberg VolksFest, I got a new job, my dad and Linda are visiting from the states, Victor's job status update, lots of daytrips... I just can't keep up with it.
I actually came pretty close to deleting my blog today, or at least just making it private. Sometimes I wonder who I'm telling this story to. When i started my blog I thought it would be just like a paper journal, online. But paper journals are private, and this journal couldn't be any more public. Is this going to come back and bite me? I mean, who is reading this? Most of the readers don't even comment. Could I be hurting myself? I just snapped today and decided no one needs to know this much about my life. I mean, my dark secrets and my innermost thoughts are typed out on the internet for anyone to see. Why do I do that to myself? Well, I must admit that the fact that Bolt closed down with no warning and now all of my hours and hours and hours of hard work are a bunch of boxed Xs. That pisses me off.
I got into a really really REALLY bad fight with my dad today. I practically begged him to come out and visit me here -- no one from my side of the family had come to visit me yet, in the 4 years we've been here, and now that he's here, i was so incredibly mean and attacked my dad so bad that my dad actually stood up and said that they were leaving Germany right away and that he and I should probably not have anything to do with each other for a good 4 or 5 years.
My stepmother did not help the argument. She basically called me selfish, and that I make their trip "all about me", and that I was a rotten hostess. I did not feel these accusations were fair, and this really had nothing to do with my dad and my fight, which really has a history that predates her presence in the family by decades.
I was so upset today that i was shaking, literally. Trembling. I know I've got to change the way I treat my dad. I felt terrible. Obviously I love my dad, I don't hate my dad, and I've got to get out of our old habits. I feel so bad. I feel just awful. I've got to make some changes.
I'm so sorry, Dad. I do love you.
~Nicole August 25 Progress ReportHere is a copy of the email I just sent to Nick Dale of my new natural beating migraines program. I honestly meant every single word I wrote. If you have problems with migraines or know someone who does, I honestly would recommend giving this program a try. No, I do not receive any commission! ~Nicole http://www.beating-headaches-migraines.com/index.htm Hi there, I am only 12 days into your program, and I have some good news to report! I wanted to let you know that I had a REALLY good week this past week! Not only did I have NO MIGRAINES, I also felt VITALITY coming back into my life! This past week, not only have I not been in pain, but I have felt very healthy, alive, and awake! This is after being chronically tired for the past several years. I once again have energy to do everyday activities rather than only being able to lie on the couch exhausted and/or with a migraine. My husband has definitely noticed changes and comments frequently on how happy he is to see me feeling better again! Not only is it amazing to me to have gone the entire past week without a migraine, but I did this WITHOUT taking any of my preventative migraine medications as prescribed to me by my neurologist. I have completely quit taking these hard core chemicals and am only taking the 100% natural supplements you have sent me, along with taking your good sense dietary changes you have suggested, including eating a healthy breakfast everyday, drinking a lot more clear, bottled water, and cutting out canned and preservative-added foods and instead eating many more fresh foods. With these changes, everyday my head feels more clear, my body feels healthier, and I definitely feel a new vitality to my life! I'm happier, more relaxed, and just so relieved! Your program so far has done much more than just get rid of my migraines (I still can't believe I went the entire week without a single headache, after getting them nearly everyday not too long ago). Your program has helped me feel like a brand new person -- one who has energy, a clear head. Not only am I not in pain -- I'm really feeling quite GOOD!!!!! Thanks again so much for sharing your natural alternative to being stuck on hardcore prescription medications (which were failing to do their job anyway) and thank you so much for your continued support! So far, working with you and your program has been a completely different experience from the years of frustration I have experienced when working with the standard western health care industry. Now I know I am doing something GOOD for my whole body, and I am certainly reaping the benefits! I just can't get over how much progress I have made in just these 12 days! My husband can serve as a witness -- I really am freed from a lot of my pain and tiredness and I have become a happy healthy person with energy again! Thank you for helping me get my life back! take care, ~Nicole August 20 Nicole's Summer Media PicksOkay, for those of you out there getting really tired of hearing about my migraines, I've been meaning to put this list together of my "Recommended Summer Media" for quite a while now... and if I don't put it out there soon I'll have to change the title to "Nicole's Fall Picks", and that's just not as fun...
So I have some movies, music albums, yoga dvds that I have thoroughly enjoyed and I'd like to share with you, so if you've gotten into a rut this summer, check out some of these titles that carry the "Nicole Seal of Approval"!
Music
Back in April, or maybe it was May of this year, I don't know what triggered it but out of nowhere all of a sudden I found myself in love with the Smashing Pumpkins again. I was a huge fan during my reckless high school days when their album Gish was out (my dad hated it!), and I remained a true fan through my college years, as Siamese Dream was big. I've always felt alive when I play their music, but it really had been a while since I had really been playing their albums. Like I said, I don't remember what triggered it, but all of a sudden back in April or May of this year, while I was driving back and forth to my work at the elementary school (a 30-40 minute commute each way) I really got into listening to them again. I couldn't find my Siamese Dream album anywhere and so I had to order a used copy from Amazon. Well, while I was adding it to my virtual cart when I saw that the Smashing Pumpkins had a new album coming out this July! It was going to be their first album out again together in 7 years! What a strange coincidence! Their energy must have been in the air...
Anyway, I definitely recommend the new album "Zeitgeist", and not just because it has a German title. And it's not because Billy Corgan is still as cute as ever. I have to admit, it's a really fresh and strange experience listening to something by the Smashing Pumpkins that hasn't already made itself permanently etched and grooved into my head. It's exciting. Boy, I'm sure glad that at age 33 sure glad I'm still listening to music like this rather than some Julio Iglesius or other "easy listening" b$ll $h#T! I'm My high school self would be proud.
Fun Movies
Okay, living in Germany all of these years now, realizing that most of their media is mainly from America and the U.K., I have to admit I am really excited when I find not only a good German film, but a German film at all. I'm sorry, guys, but I didn't come to Germany to relive American pop culture circa 1987. So I've been really excited to find director/screenwriter Fatih Akin and his excellent German films. Okay, the two I have watched so far are FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!!!!! He also has some other more serious/documentary films out that I'm looking forward to checking out soon, called Head On, and Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul.
Apparently, Fatih Akin was born in Hamburg, Germany but is of Turkish decent, which does a lot to explain why a major theme of his movies seems to revolve around German/Turkish tension and why he has such insight into the dynamics between the two cultures. This is just my humble observation, anyway. I've never actually met the guy...
In July is so funny and I'm going to recommend it despite their poking fun of Bavaria in the film. Hey, what do they know, they're from up north in Hamburg. If the characters are still wondering just what is in Bavaria to do, they can come check out all of my adventures I've posted here in my blog. Okay, so it's not quite as progressive here in Bavaria and there are a lot of cornfields and cows, but HEY! I've thoroughly enjoyed my times here!
Oh... sorry... I guess I took those few movie lines a little too personally, huh?!
Kebab Connection is equally hilarious. If you've ever looked through my photos or my anecdotes about hanging out in German cities you'd definitely have come across at least a handful of pictures and stories where Victor and I have gotten something to eat in one of Germany's many Doner Kebabs. Not only do they have great food that can easily be made vegetarian, they've also got a lot of character to them. Especially if you hang out in one on a Friday night. Especially if there is a soccer game on.
Anyway, Victor and I thoroughly enjoyed this flick last night that largely takes place in one of Deutschland's many Doner Kebabs. This movie was so funny. The main character, German but of Turkish decent, has to overcome all types of cultural tension. First, he wants to create Germany's first Kung Fu movie which really just goes as far as being commercials for his family's Turkish Doner Kebab, and he has to deal with the pressure coming from his other relative's Greek vegetarian Gyro restaurant. (i think i got this right.) Second, he has to deal with the pressures from his Turkish parents when they learn he has impregnated a German gal. Oh, the poor confused film director. Thank goodness for his visions he has in parking lots of Bruce Lee to help him decide which paths to take... Very entertaining film.
Anyway, you can actually find these films with English subtitles through both Netflix and Amazon. So check 'em out!
Serious Movies
Okay, Victor and I also had the opportunity of viewing an OUTSTANDING foreign film, a sobering Russian film called The Return. This movie is so powerful and moving, it has stayed with me for weeks. Two young Russian boys have their father suddenly return home one day after having been absent for the past 12 years. With their mother's mixed consent, the boys agree to go along on a fishing outting with their father, as a way to perhaps get to know each other again. The trip becomes an intense journey full of deep emotions ranging from bitter hatred to reconciliation and back again. This film is aesthetically beautiful yet the plot and themes are intense and unsettling. The two boys acting in this film are absolutely adorable and insanely talented actors. Throughout the film I wanted to adopt the boys and rescue them from their father, but I had to remind myself it was only a film.
Sadly, in real life, Vladimir Garin, the actor who played the older of the two boys, drowned in the lake due to a boating accident where much of the filming took place, after the film was shot but before its international debut.
Yoga DVDs (yes, it's my blog and so I can have a category just for yoga dvds if I want to!)
I've been really excited about married couple ana brett and ravi singh's Kundalini Yoga DVD practices ever since I discovered them only about eight months or so ago, and so I was excited when they released these two new titles in July. Ana and Ravi offer incredibly fun and unique ways to practice that is really different from all of my other practices. Granted, I don't feel like I'll ever be a 100% Kundalini Yoga convert and give up my hatha, ashtanga, and vinyasa flow practices, mainly because of what I feel Kundalini yoga is lacking, but I most certainly have benefitted from adding this completely different way of practicing into my already established routine. In other words, doing ana and ravi's enthusiastic kundalini yoga practices a few times per week really juices up my heart and mind!
At first I was annoyed with the title "Yoga Quick Fixes" because ana and ravi are so obviously attempting to sell these by playing into the Western mindset that for good health you can just grab a quick fix rather than committing yourself to longterm changes. I mean, although in Western pop culture right now Yoga seems like the hottest new trend, and television shows always focus on how fun it is to get your friends together, put on a cute outfit and gossip during practice while you're getting your "workout", but to truly reap yoga's infinite benefits, one needs to dedicate themselves to a consistent and even lifelong practice.
But then I realized how smart of them it is to grab this population's -- who probably needs yoga the most -- attention. Ironically, this dvd has over 3 hours of practice material on it, and the content is so creative and fun, before you know it, you've already practiced an hour of yoga!
This dvd shows you how to use kundalini yoga as a tool to battle your common complaints, such as headaches, anxiety and depression, digestion issues, stress, PMS, fatigue, and just about anything else that plagues you. Yeah, I wish the cure to these problems were just a "quick fix" away. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. But adding these practices to your daily routine will certainly help.
Besides, ana and ravi use such fun and upbeat music and make their practices so creative and colorful. They are obviously very adept yoga practicioners, and I really do love practicing with them!
News
Read German and International news from a German perspective, in English.
Books
Just Kidding! I'm a Generation Xer -- Who needs to read when you have CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and the internet?! Who needs to read books when there is MySpace?!
~nICOLE
August 19 Day Six: The Detox ContinuesHere is a copy of the email I wrote to Nick Dale on the 6th day of being on his all-natural anti-migraine program. ~Nicole
Hi again... just giving you another quick update. Today is my 6th day on the program. Unfortunately, I'm still going through a lot of pain. Yesterday, until at least 4pm I felt really badly. My head hurt, I felt super lethargic, and sick to stomach. I had to cancel my plans to go to a fest with my German friend and slept through most of the day. Then, when I woke up around 4, I was still feeling badly. But then I drank water and ate some fresh fruits. The rest of the day was like a completely fresh new day! All of a sudden, I felt very light and clear. I did yoga, I made dinner for my husband and me (I usually hate to cook), we ate outside, took the dogs on a walk, and I even came home and finished my book. I hardly ever read because my head usually feels too badly. I spent the evening laughing and feeling great!
August 16 My New CameraWell, my brother Aaron, back in the states, talked me into getting a new camera. I've always just had a simple 35mm point and shoot camera whether it was digital or film. Now, I'm no artist or photographer and i've actually never taken a single photography class but I really have fun taking pictures -- it's become quite a hobby for me. Although I really know nothing about cameras, i do know that I sometimes get frustrated with the limitations of just a simple point and shoot. I was inspired by the fun things my brother was doing with his photos on his flickr site (he's never taken a class either, just reads magazines and has made a hobby out of it) and he told me he just bought the Canon SLR Digital Rebel and recommended it. Well, when i checked out just how much they cost (a minimum of $500) I gulped and decided I'm not quite ready for anything that fancy (read: expensive) yet. So I looked at what Kodak had to offer and found a refurbished consumer camera that was a few steps up from my simple point and shoot, yet "only" $300, a few hundred dollars less than most DSLRs. It has a telephoto lens, manual focus rings, and you can customize your own settings rather than just leave it up to the camera's programmed auto focus. It came with a 100 page manual and I still have a LOT to learn. Basically I need to get out there and just start testing it out!
I just got it in the mail and took it out yesterday evening while Victor and I took our dogs on our evening walk through the fields all around our house. As you can see, i really need to work on the focus, with this shot of my landlord's first house. This is where he and his first wife (who died quite some time ago) first lived together. I just love this house and will definitely have to go back again and get some better focused photos. It's just two houses down from us so that shouldn't be a problem.
 By allthingsnicole, shot with KODAK P880 ZOOM DIGITAL CAMERA at 2007-08-16 I had better luck with my close-up photos. I had fun photographing these sunflowers -- it's funny how they seem to take on their own personalities. As you can see, Victor was very patient waiting for me with the dogs in the background!
      ~Nicole Step 1: The DetoxMy supplements arrived from Australia a few nights ago and I have now completed two full days on my intensive all-natural anti-migraine plan as prescribed by Nick Dale. You should have seen how excited I was to get those supplements!
And you should see how many supplements I have to take! I have eight different bottles, and some of them I have to take up to three times a day. Some are capsules, some are homeopathic drops, and one is this liquid hellish-tasting heavy-duty liver cleanse! Ugg! It tastes like syrup made from pine needles! It's funny though, me with my coffee table full of supplements and my printout of directions from Nick Dale to tell me when to take what and how.
So, I just finished my second full day of the program. I'm actually feeling quite... crappy... but I really think that it's just part of the detox, a necessary evil to go through. I don't really have a headache or a migraine -- rather, I just feel light-headed, a little nauseaus, and my head kind of hurts. I remember a few years back doing a juice fast and by the end of it I was feeling the same way, so I really am figuring it is a part of the detoxification process.
I can not believe how healthily I have been eating, since the very first day I decided to start the program (before I got the supplements in the mail). I have been eating nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grain cereals, soy milk, nuts, and I've been drinking lots of water and iced yerba mate. I decided today that I just don't want to take my prescription preventative migraine medications anymore. I'm just so tired of them and they were obviously no longer doing anything for me anyway. I talked to my pharmacists about how to safely stop taking them and I really feel like I'm going to stop. It just doesn't make sense to be going to all of these efforts to be deeply cleaning out my body and putting these toxins back in at the same time. Oh, and I'm holding off on trying to become pregnant at least until I finish this intensive course, which should take about four weeks. I'm really trying to get my body and mind in a better place before I take on pregnancy. I'm just so glad I found this natural program. All the while I've been suffering migraines I've been so willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get rid of them, but I just haven't known what that is. It just really upsets me that for all of these years of going to see doctors and renowned neurologists that they just dish me out the pharmaceuticals like candy but never even stopped to ask me simple questions that are obviously affecting me like, "How much water are you drinking per day?" or "Are you eating breakfast?" I mean, don't these doctors have to go to school for a minimum of 8 years? It upsets me that I had to look halfway around the world to find some common sense advice and healthy recommendations for getting my migraines under control. Well I'm just happy I found the program. So, the day 2 progress report: I'm feeling tired, foggy, grumpy, and kind of sick to my stomach today, but I'm sure it's just part of the process. I honestly never realized how poorly I had been taking care of myself until I really started taking care of myself! Sincerely, ~Nicole http://www.beating-headaches-migraines.com/index.htm August 15 What Being Agnostic Means To MeJust to let you know, I actually really do believe in God. I just personally don't believe I or any other humans have the ability to understand what form this God takes or to really comprehend anything about it. I don't believe in any human-made religion, but I really do feel like I am a spiritual person, very connected to the spiritual world. In a strange way, we may have more in common than you may think; we just use different words for things or ways of practicing our connection with God. Victor, on the other hand, like the rest of his family, is mainly an atheist. He's very science-minded and frankly believes everything in the universe can be explained through science. This is also what his father and brother believe. Not me. I feel something much more out there -- I just don't believe humans have it all figured out and boxed up and written out. I guess I'm fine with the mystery... Just letting you know more about where I come from... These have been my beliefs since at least the age of eighteen...
~Nicole August 08 One Day, Two Fests: Festing It Up on a Sunny Sunday Summer Afternoon
Victor said it hadn't been done before but i looked back into my memory to see that yes, the Victor and Nicole team has in fact done it before -- we have gone to two German festivals in one day before. So, no records were broken, but it still was quite a day... Sunday was a perfect day, weather wise, for a fest (or two). I know in reality the weather is controlled by all sorts of things and it really doesn't "plan" on being a perfect day for somebody's picnic or raining on anyone's parade, but all summer it seems like it has been playing funny games with Victor's and my big events and trips. You may remember me talking about this on some of my earlier blog entries this summer. First, we had a really nice, unusually warm and sunny (for Germany) spring for most of April, May, and the first part of June, when I was still cooped up in school and then too tired to enjoy it once I got home. It stayed nice until our first scheduled trip of the summer -- our cruise along the Rhine River to view all the castles -- when all of a sudden it got really cold and dark and rainy. Then, it stayed cold, dark, and rainy for my first three weeks of summer (i stayed inside all the time -- it was in the 50s Fahrenheit!), until our next trip, our second trip to Karlovy Vary (that i still haven't blogged about) and it cleared up for just that day. Then it went back to being cold, dark, and rainy rainy rainy for another three weeks or so -- I'm talking in the 50s and 60s (Fahrenheit)! -- until one day it cleared up -- the day Victor and I went to the Alps! It was the most beautiful, warm, sunny, clear day! But then it went back to being cool, dark, and rainy again until this weekend when it cleared up for the fests! And would you guess what?! As i am typing this, it is cool, dark, and rainy again! i am not kidding you!!! I'm thinking the weather is still feeling bad for playing that first trick on us on our Rhine River trip... Anyway... back to the fests... So the first fest we went to was the little Koenigstein fest that is really close to where we live. In fact, it's where the kids who live in our little Dorf go to school. See, our town is too small to have a market, a mayor, a school, a post office -- all those things, so Koenigstein is the town our little "Dorf" belongs to. So, really, we are the locals!
And we saw lots of people we know there! Right away I saw my German friend Christine. I saw her when we went on Saturday night and again on Sunday afternoon. I had just had her over to my house recently to make Rice Krispee Treats (I like showing Germans how to make American cookies and other crap -- this was before my healthful switch-over -- they're always amazed at how much sugar goes into them! Can you believe most Germans have never heard of or tried such American classics that we take for granted as Rice Krispee Treats and Chocolate Chip Cookies?!?!) and she told me she was going to be working at a booth there (more on that later)! We also saw ... The Newlyweds!!! My landlord Arthur and Frau Elena! It's funny -- at a local fest like that, everyone, and I mean everyone knows my landlord. He's been in the neighborhood as long as anybody around! We also saw our nextdoor neighbors coming to the fest just as we were going. You know, I don't believe I have ever blogged about them and I don't even think I have any photos of them. I just love our neighbors. They live in this beautiful yellow house with the most amazing flower gardens. They're a really nice young couple with two of the cutest elementary school - aged boys in the entire world. They also live with their "Oma" -- their Grandmother, a very sweet old woman who is always out gardening. Victor and I see especially the Dad and his two boys on almost a daily basis as we walk through their back yard on our way out on our daily evening dog walk and stop to chat with him and his boys in a sort of half German/half English broken conversation. He's always out playing soccer or chopping wood or doing something with his boys, and the grandma is always out gardening, but for some reason we hardly ever see the mom. But then, just the other day, she brought me the most beautiful bouquet of fresh cut flowers from her garden. Maybe it was a thank you because I had brought the boys a big plate of the Rice Krispee treats Christine and i had made. Anyway, i love this family, they're really sweet. Oh, and did I mention, they have a classic convertible Volkswagon Beetle?! Okay... so back to the Koenigstein fest again... So Christine had told me ahead of time that she was going to be working at this booth where people could pay 1 Euro 50 cents to throw these chocolate, marshmallowy sticky things at all these "important" people of Koenigstein -- the Mayor, School Authorities, etc., faces as they stick their heads out of these wooden stands. "Okay..." I said, "And why?" "For Fun!" Christine said. Victor and I arrived at the fest on Sunday afternoon just in time to catch Christine in action... getting to clean up the aftermath of the chocolate - marshmallow - sticky things that had been hurled at the Burgermeister of Koenigstein and the School Authorities just moments before...
I "supervise" and provide moral support while snacking on candied ginger, as Christine scrubs away...
I explain that I while I would love to help, I just can't because... um... I just remembered I'm signed up at another booth to go... um... eat --no -- I mean WORK... in fact I think I hear them calling me... um... right now!!!
There was a Classic German Car parade that was pretty cool -- I have lots more photos up in my photo album above. So we had a nice time at the Koenigstein Fest (more photos in album above), but we had to move on, because Victor and I had another fest to go to! (Poor Christine had to stay and put away the marshmallow stuff.)
***** The 50th Annual Grafenwoehr German - American Volksfest
This photo I took is really funny because it looks like there are separate entrances for the Germans and the Americans. However, that's really not what was happening at all. The right-hand side was actually meant to be for exit only, but apparantly the NCO academy was allowed to attend the fest after their classes on Sunday -- no time to even change into their "civies", and they all came lined up straight from class -- i'm talking hundreds of them -- so they opened up the exit to let them through. We just happened to get to the fest right at 5 p.m. So apparently this was the 50th annual Grafenwoehr German-American fest, and for Victor and me, it was at least our third. Last year you might remember we went with fellow blogger Cassie and her family who had just arrived in Deutschland. It was pouring down rain and the fest was a big mud pit. Last year Cassie bought one of these huge baskets that the man fills up with fruit for you, and this year I decided to, too, since I'm on my new health plan. Actually, I probably would have anyway because they're so nice. They're supposed to be 20 Euros and you get to choose your own basket and the guy fills it with fresh fruit -- but then the guy only ended up charging me 15 Euros! I don't know why, but that's quite a deal!
Actually, I was really proud of myself. It took some effort, but I ate really healthily at these two fests! These German fests are notorious for their beer and junk food -- and I actually ended up having five servings of fresh fruit, two healthy vegetarian dishes, roasted nuts, mineral water and apple juice, and no junk at all! I know that if I wouldn't have been consciously trying, I would have eaten a bunch of junk food and probably would have come home with a migraine and would have just called it typical!
Okay, so Victor is obviously not on my same new holistic anti-migraine plan, as this was his second stein of the day! Go Victor! (Don't worry -- I drove my little Blue Bug.)
I've got to find a way to put in this video code of Victor playing (and losing pitifully) this "throw-the-ball-into-the-stein" game immediately after downing his second huge German beer stein of the day. You even get to listen to the song "Kung Fu Fighting" play on a nearby ride as he plays. Go Victor! (By the way, this video is only about 30 seconds long -- I don't know why it says it's 3 and a half minutes.)
We also got to fest it up with members of the Polish army and the Bulgarian army -- it's not everyday you can do that. We also found a great place that was selling spectacular vegetarian Indian food! Mmmmm... All in all it was a really fun day... and it didn't even end with my usual migraine!
More photos are up in my photo album above, for your amusement. Hope you enjoyed our time at the fests!
schöne grüße,
~Nicole
Blogthings Crack Me Up... (okay, so i couldn't sleep...)Hi Guys and Gals! i have so many things i want to blog about -- really I do -- and here I am wasting time doing these stupid quizzes! Okay, I can't help it... they crack me up! I really still have so many blog entries I want to write and catch up on -- Victor and I went to two German fests on Sunday, I want to do a post called my "summer picks" to highlight some media I recommend, I want to tell you all about my exciting experiences at www.etsy.com, i want to put together a timeline of all the bands i've listened to and have influenced me throughout my life, starting in kindergarten (I've been wanting to do this for quite some time now), and I still haven't blogged about when Victor and I went back to Karlovy Vary, Czech Republic in July and the International Film Festival was going on, oh, and my dad and step mother are coming to visit at the end of this month (I have to tell you how that came about -- that's an entry all in itself), and Victor and I still haven't decided where we are going to be living this fall! That's seven entries I have in my head that I haven't sat down to type out yet! And, if you haven't checked out Arthur's wedding photos from my last entry yet, please check those out, as, if you are like me, I bet you didn't think you'd be seeing those this year!!! Bis Spater! ~Nicole
My favorite question:
After you die, what happens?
August 02 Life...Certainly Has Its Ups and Downs...
I was asked to be the "photographer" for my 79 year old landlord's wedding today... yes, the same landlord who was basically on his deathbed for several months earlier this year!!! Wrap your head around that!!! I hate to admit this, but I honestly thought I'd be going to Arthur's funeral... not wedding this year! Life can certainly bring surprises!
The funny thing is, he didn't get married to the woman, Anne, that he dated for the first two years while we were living here. No, she's history. He started dating this "new" woman several months before he became ill; in fact, she is the one who called the ambulance for him that night in January when he was rushed off to the hospital. She visited him every single day he was in the hospital from January to... May, was it? And since he's been home she's basically been living here. They get along great and she's really sweet. The dogs like her too as she is always throwing down bones (real meat bones, not the fake "Cheweeze" mom buys at the store) for them, and that's important.
Yesterday Arthur came downstairs to invite Victor and me upstairs for their reception. His daughter A. was over along with his grandkids P. and S. There was food, cake, champaigne, the works. I felt so so so terrible, but I could not make it. I was in the throes of one of my all-too-typical migraines and was laying down with an ice bag over my eyes when he came down to invite us. I was in terrible pain and also felt nauseaus from the migraine. I wanted more than anything to make it but there was no way. (I'm so glad I have a plan now to conquer these migraines -- I can not have them robbing anymore of my life like this.) Luckily Victor was able to go up.
They asked Victor if I would be able to come up tomorrow morning (today) and take pictures of them as they got dressed up in their wedding outfits. Apparently no one had a camera. Also, Victor noticed that the Kodak photobook that I put together for Arthur while he was in the hospital -- 4 years of photos of his and our family sharing our lives together as we've lived in this same house -- was right in the middle of their table. I was honored to be asked.
So this morning I went upstairs and spent about 30 minutes taking photos for them. I was sad that A., S,. and P. were no longer there. I'm so tired of my migraines stealing my life. But it was a joy to capture these moments for them and they appreciated it so much! Here are some of the results! Can you believe Arthur got married! He just will never cease to surprise me!!!
*****
In news that is not so happy, my Great Aunt Maggie, who is 93 years old, is probably on one of her last few days of life back in Ohio. This sweet old lady is my Mom's aunt, but everyone who knows her calls her "Aunt Maggie". Aunt Maggie only lived one block away from where we used to live, and my mom always took really good care of her. My mom was always out in the yard gardening, and sweet old Aunt Maggie would come around the corner with her walker to come back and visit. She was so little and it would take her the longest time to walk this block, but Aunt Maggie would just keep truckin' along. Ever since my mom died, I will say that my step mother Linda has done an excellent job of taking care of Aunt Maggie. Eventhough Aunt Maggie was on my mom's side of the family, not my dad's, for every Christmas and every occasion we always invite Aunt Maggie over and make sure she has somewhere to go because her own family, except for maybe a few people, have not done anything to care for her. Aunt Maggie's husband died at least 20 years ago (I remember this) and Aunt Maggie always needs someone to talk to her on the phone, to bring her soup, etc. My mom was always there for her and I am glad Linda has carried on this tradition. When I lived in Ohio I would visit Aunt Maggie a lot -- she lived on the route I would take our late family dog Gretyl on a walk and afterwords Grettie and I would stop by to chat with her. Whenever I go home I visit her as much as I can. Now she is in Hospice and Linda says she probably only has a day or two to go.
Aunt Maggie, you've lived a long and dignified life. I'm so happy to have had you in my life. I will always remember and cherish you.
Love, Nicole
Me and Aunt Maggie at Christmas time, 2005. Wow - little old Aunt Maggie makes me look huge!
Grandma and Aunt Maggie, after Grandpa's funeral, Ohio, June 2006. *****
In other sad news, my brother Aaron's dog Bali died about two nights ago. My brother's just devastated. My brother rescued Bali out of a shelter in Columbus, Ohio about 4 years ago. She's a white boxer, and he also has another rescued boxer named Cassie that is about 9 years old or so. Well, this past Christmas Bali was diagnosed with cancer. She had malignant tumors all over her body, and since then they have only gotten worse. The odd thing is that Bali's behavior had not changed -- she was still the energetic little ball of fire she always was. My brother decided not to try to give her surgery as, for one thing he couldn't afford the $7,000 it would cost, and since it didn't guarantee anything anyway, instead he focused on giving her the highest quality of life he could -- which is what he does anyway. So I think all of us -- Aaron, me, my Dad, Linda -- were all sort of preparing ourselves for Bali to die of cancer. About two nights ago my brother had both of his boxers at the dog park. Bali was having the time of her life, just running like the made woman she was, when she had a heart attack, and died. It was all so sudden.
I would guess that her body was already weakened from her cancer. And truthfully, it was probably better that she go while she was loving life, doing doggie things, being queen Bali in the doggie park, than dying a slow death of cancer. But it's sad.
Oh, Bali, you were such a character. There's no dog that's ever going to be the nut ball that you were. I'm so glad my brother got you out of that shelter so that you could enjoy all those years -- and boy you sure enjoyed them! We're going to miss you, Bali!
Me and Bali hiking while Aaron was at work. This was within walking distance of my brother's house when he lived in Hailey, Idaho in 2004. I was visiting him while Victor was in Iraq. Me and my brother and his two boxers Bali and Cassie, all vested up for a long day of skate skiing! Well, skate skiing for us while the dogs ran along and we tried not to get tripped by them! ~Nicole
Update: Not five minutes after posting this blog I got the phone call from Linda that Aunt Maggie had passed away.
Goodbye Aunt Maggie, Love to You Always. |
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Shakedown 1979
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